What I Know

"I know three things.

1-Adults can cry.

2-Adults can run.

3-Adults can have babies.

But only moms. Dads have that one thing that can baptize people. You know...the Priesthood."

Importance of Instructions

Don't lay on the floor while  playing Freeze. "You could get trampled!"

Fear Through Fashion

"I've been scared of [a boy] for years. 1) Because he's tall, 2) Because he always wears pants, 3) He always wears black shoes, 4) Because he has black hair, and 3) Because he has a shirt with bones on it." Be careful what you wear, you never know what message you're sending.

Kindergarten Read-a-thon

Code for: Eat snacks and hang out on the rug while comparing your loot to your friends'.

Nursery Rhymes Come to Life

Ride a cockhorse to Banberry Cross 

to see a fine lady upon a white horse.

With rings on her fingers and bells on her toes 

she shall have music wherever she goes.

Kindergarten Version

Drive your van to our fine little school

where you will find our Kindergarten, so cool.

With spring dresses and Christmas bells in snow

there is n'er a merrier place to go.

Size Comparison

While curling ribbon for the Kindergartners' "super secret" present a boy asked me why I used such big scissors. I told him it was because I had big hands. He thought a moment and replied, "You have a big face."

Letters to Santa

Original spelling has been preserved. Explanations follow those not easily interpreted.

"Dear Santa, Ples get me a babay doll."

"Dear Santa, PLez BReN me A FR WeL CePe." (Please bring me a for real kitty.)

"Dear Santa, Marre ChriSTMas con u plez BreMg Me a striBare ShorTkak. i lov u." (Merry Christmas. Can you please bring me a Strawberry Shortcake. I love you.)

"Dear Santa, I B GOOD LaGo." (I be good. Lego.)

"Dear Santa, DrtBIk." (dirtbike)

"Dear Santa, I HaF Ben GrD Pes be me a Dal I laf yew."  (I have been good. Please bring me a doll. I love you.)

"Dear Santa, I hav Bin viry Good Can you biy i a tasfomr." (I have been very good. Can you bring me a transformer.)

Open Discussion

While subbing we wrote things we were thankful for. We went around the room and each student said something he or she was thankful for. There was a student who couldn't think of something on his first turn, so we skipped him with a promise to come back. When we came back he stuck his head in his hands,  then looked at me and said, "Um...I don't want to talk about it anymore."

What Happens After Z

The class has just completed learning the Alphabet. The students believe they will now graduate to First Grade. To heck with learning numbers, patterning, geography, animals, or movements in dance. That stuff is overrated.

Paint

After showing the Kindergartners the proper paint-spattering technique of running the teeth of a table knife across the teeth of a toothbrush it was almost eerie to see how many of them turned the brush over, leaned down, and spattered their faces. That's right, Merry Christmas, Mom and Dad.

Keeping Secrets

A student brought in money for a "super secret" Christmas gift the class is making for their parents a few days late. A note with the money said, "She refused to show me this note because she thought if she did she would be giving away the super secret surprise. Here is the $1.50 she owes."

Art of Expression

While riding the bus home a girl was singing a song she made up as she went. When she finished the boy seated next to her looked at her and said, "I don't get it."

The Art of Retelling

While explaining the newspaper article she brought, a Kindergartner spoke with the gravity of a plague when she said, "The jellyfish are killing people."

Citizenship

As I was walking from the classroom I heard a student announce, "I can't kill nobody."

The Little Things

After being selected as Star of the Day the little girl announced, "It's my super lucky day! I get to be Star of the Day, and we're having a little party to put up our Christmas Tree!" Turns out, she got even luckier when she won a book in the Friday Drawing. Sometimes the heavens open and fortune smiles down on us.

Self-Validation

Overlooking another student's work a girl looked back at her own and declared, "Mine is beautiful!"

Natural Dissaster

Giving a Kindergarten class cotton balls, squeeze glue, crayons, scissors, and glitter is cause for calling FEMA.

Trickery of Gluing

For a Christmas project the Kindergartners were to glue a red pom-pom on Santa's "cherry nose" and a cotton ball on the end of his cap. A student brought his over for me to check. The cotton ball was glued to Santa's nose, and the pom-pom was on the end of Santa's red cap. When in doubt, match with like colors.

Instructional Adherence

The teacher was facing the board, showing the students how to color a project they would be working on. A boy on the front row stood up, shoved his hands in his pockets, and began meandering toward the door, announcing as he went, "I'm just gonna go to the bathroom."

Dating & Relationships

A girl has been calling a boy who rides her bus "boyfriend" lately. On the ride home yesterday she said, "Hey boyfriend, I'm just gonna have to call you friend now because my mom says we can't date til we're older. Older than five, like 16 or 18. So I'm just gonna call you friend, ok?"

His response? None. He had been oblivious the whole time. Some things don't change with age.

Fashionista

Yesterday a girl came in wearing a short-sleeved summer dress in yellow over purple sweat pants, with a pink t-shirt underneath. Today she wore pink printed capris, purple shoes, and a navy blue top. In Kindergarten we are learning patterns. Coordinating colors doesn't come til eighth grade Home Ec.

Schedule

As much as it would be every Kindergartner's dream, recess is not a required part of the curriculum.

Self-Appraisal

Today we learned about letter X and had to give an outline our own unique features. One boy gave himself a purple Mohawk. He was right about one thing and wrong about one thing. Purple his hair is not, but he does rock the Mohawk.

Translation, Please?

Stringing Fruit Loops for the class Christmas Tree. The instructions were, "String 10, eat one. String 10, eat one." They were translated into, "Put 10 in your mouth, string one." And, "String 10, eat one off the string."

Litmus Test

When the Kindergarten teacher sends home a note that says "help me do this project" she is not saying "do this project for me." Trust me, she can tell the difference.

Focus

It is astounding how a five-year-old can achieve Zen-like concentration on the object of their distraction in a matter of nano-seconds.