What I Know

"I know three things.

1-Adults can cry.

2-Adults can run.

3-Adults can have babies.

But only moms. Dads have that one thing that can baptize people. You know...the Priesthood."

Importance of Instructions

Don't lay on the floor while  playing Freeze. "You could get trampled!"

Fear Through Fashion

"I've been scared of [a boy] for years. 1) Because he's tall, 2) Because he always wears pants, 3) He always wears black shoes, 4) Because he has black hair, and 3) Because he has a shirt with bones on it." Be careful what you wear, you never know what message you're sending.

Kindergarten Read-a-thon

Code for: Eat snacks and hang out on the rug while comparing your loot to your friends'.

Nursery Rhymes Come to Life

Ride a cockhorse to Banberry Cross 

to see a fine lady upon a white horse.

With rings on her fingers and bells on her toes 

she shall have music wherever she goes.

Kindergarten Version

Drive your van to our fine little school

where you will find our Kindergarten, so cool.

With spring dresses and Christmas bells in snow

there is n'er a merrier place to go.

Size Comparison

While curling ribbon for the Kindergartners' "super secret" present a boy asked me why I used such big scissors. I told him it was because I had big hands. He thought a moment and replied, "You have a big face."

Letters to Santa

Original spelling has been preserved. Explanations follow those not easily interpreted.

"Dear Santa, Ples get me a babay doll."

"Dear Santa, PLez BReN me A FR WeL CePe." (Please bring me a for real kitty.)

"Dear Santa, Marre ChriSTMas con u plez BreMg Me a striBare ShorTkak. i lov u." (Merry Christmas. Can you please bring me a Strawberry Shortcake. I love you.)

"Dear Santa, I B GOOD LaGo." (I be good. Lego.)

"Dear Santa, DrtBIk." (dirtbike)

"Dear Santa, I HaF Ben GrD Pes be me a Dal I laf yew."  (I have been good. Please bring me a doll. I love you.)

"Dear Santa, I hav Bin viry Good Can you biy i a tasfomr." (I have been very good. Can you bring me a transformer.)

Open Discussion

While subbing we wrote things we were thankful for. We went around the room and each student said something he or she was thankful for. There was a student who couldn't think of something on his first turn, so we skipped him with a promise to come back. When we came back he stuck his head in his hands,  then looked at me and said, "Um...I don't want to talk about it anymore."

What Happens After Z

The class has just completed learning the Alphabet. The students believe they will now graduate to First Grade. To heck with learning numbers, patterning, geography, animals, or movements in dance. That stuff is overrated.

Paint

After showing the Kindergartners the proper paint-spattering technique of running the teeth of a table knife across the teeth of a toothbrush it was almost eerie to see how many of them turned the brush over, leaned down, and spattered their faces. That's right, Merry Christmas, Mom and Dad.

Keeping Secrets

A student brought in money for a "super secret" Christmas gift the class is making for their parents a few days late. A note with the money said, "She refused to show me this note because she thought if she did she would be giving away the super secret surprise. Here is the $1.50 she owes."

Art of Expression

While riding the bus home a girl was singing a song she made up as she went. When she finished the boy seated next to her looked at her and said, "I don't get it."

The Art of Retelling

While explaining the newspaper article she brought, a Kindergartner spoke with the gravity of a plague when she said, "The jellyfish are killing people."

Citizenship

As I was walking from the classroom I heard a student announce, "I can't kill nobody."

The Little Things

After being selected as Star of the Day the little girl announced, "It's my super lucky day! I get to be Star of the Day, and we're having a little party to put up our Christmas Tree!" Turns out, she got even luckier when she won a book in the Friday Drawing. Sometimes the heavens open and fortune smiles down on us.

Self-Validation

Overlooking another student's work a girl looked back at her own and declared, "Mine is beautiful!"

Natural Dissaster

Giving a Kindergarten class cotton balls, squeeze glue, crayons, scissors, and glitter is cause for calling FEMA.

Trickery of Gluing

For a Christmas project the Kindergartners were to glue a red pom-pom on Santa's "cherry nose" and a cotton ball on the end of his cap. A student brought his over for me to check. The cotton ball was glued to Santa's nose, and the pom-pom was on the end of Santa's red cap. When in doubt, match with like colors.

Instructional Adherence

The teacher was facing the board, showing the students how to color a project they would be working on. A boy on the front row stood up, shoved his hands in his pockets, and began meandering toward the door, announcing as he went, "I'm just gonna go to the bathroom."

Dating & Relationships

A girl has been calling a boy who rides her bus "boyfriend" lately. On the ride home yesterday she said, "Hey boyfriend, I'm just gonna have to call you friend now because my mom says we can't date til we're older. Older than five, like 16 or 18. So I'm just gonna call you friend, ok?"

His response? None. He had been oblivious the whole time. Some things don't change with age.

Fashionista

Yesterday a girl came in wearing a short-sleeved summer dress in yellow over purple sweat pants, with a pink t-shirt underneath. Today she wore pink printed capris, purple shoes, and a navy blue top. In Kindergarten we are learning patterns. Coordinating colors doesn't come til eighth grade Home Ec.

Schedule

As much as it would be every Kindergartner's dream, recess is not a required part of the curriculum.

Self-Appraisal

Today we learned about letter X and had to give an outline our own unique features. One boy gave himself a purple Mohawk. He was right about one thing and wrong about one thing. Purple his hair is not, but he does rock the Mohawk.

Translation, Please?

Stringing Fruit Loops for the class Christmas Tree. The instructions were, "String 10, eat one. String 10, eat one." They were translated into, "Put 10 in your mouth, string one." And, "String 10, eat one off the string."

Litmus Test

When the Kindergarten teacher sends home a note that says "help me do this project" she is not saying "do this project for me." Trust me, she can tell the difference.

Focus

It is astounding how a five-year-old can achieve Zen-like concentration on the object of their distraction in a matter of nano-seconds.

The 411

No matter what you are doing, or how busy you may appear to be, it is the standard belief of every child that what they have to tell you is the most important thing in the world, and you are to be wholly consumed by it (as they are). Some people never grow out of this five-year-old belief.

Artistic Expression

The highlight of water color is not painting, it's changing the color of the water.

Physical Fitness

As he hefts the straps (which are broader than his arms) over his shoulders, then proceeds to grab his biceps, one Kindergartner says to another, "My backpack pumps up my muscles."

Current Events

Each day we have "news" instead of "sharing." Today for news a Kindergartner shared that his dad broke his leg...when he was playing football in high school. We're still working on the relevance of time as it relates to what constitutes "news."

Multitasking

Kindergartners cannot work while talking, but their productivity increases if they sing while working. Those dwarfs were on to something with that whole "whistle while you work" bit. Or maybe it's just a little person thing.

I Am Thankful For...

We started journal writing. It is important to let the children do their own, best thinking so they can learn how to spell and learn on their own. This time we did "I am thankful for..." Here are some samples.

"I am thankful for erf (earth)."

"I am thankful for cesmes (Christmas)."

"I am thankful for my terl (turtle)."

Defying Natural Law

No matter how many crayons you pass out in a single day to each student at least one will end up with a color missing before the end of one project.

Squeeze Glue

The paradox of proper bottle-squeeze-to-object ratio when using Elmer's glue is something Kindergartners (and some adults) may never know.

Knowing Oneself

While he was standing in line to sign in I asked a student how he was doing today. He looked at me as though I had asked him to explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity and said, "I don't know."

Nutrition

As much as parents would like to think their children are the "good, clean" ones a substantial additive to a Kindergartner's diet is their boogers.

Internal Dissonanace

While passing out copies of a story we had just read a student took a paper from my hand and said, "My mom won't get me a dog." And then he walked away. No explanation. Completely unrelated to anything. Sometimes you just have to talk about what's bothering you.

Leaps in Logic

A Kindergartner can lose a crayon in under one second. A Kindergartner can lose a sharpened pencil in the trip back to the table. A Kindergartner's parents believe their child is incapable of losing homework.

News

Sharing any detail of one's life is a welcome invitation for anyone else to air the entire family's dirty laundry for all peers to here. There is no shame. There are no scruples. When in doubt, know this: your child's Kindergarten teacher knows just as much as you hope she doesn't.

A Lesson in Management

Boss your own body.

Bellwork

The ringing of the bell is merely a suggestion of a time frame for a work period.

Eyewitness Accounts

The difference between "telling" and "tattle telling" is whether or not the teller is the party at fault.

Zen

Rug-time is the time dedicated to putting fingers in any easily accessible--and some not-so accessible--orifices of the body.

Theory of Relativity

Teacher's version of "hurry" and Kindergartners' version of "hurry" are foreign to one another.

Discovery

Whenever a new object is introduced into the classroom all students must observe, touch, smell, and sometimes taste the new item to become familiar with it. Kindergartners are the masters of sensory learning. The only skill they need to work on is listening.

Warming Up Vocalizers

Any break in the day's routine is cause for fully-belted bursts into song.

Cupcake Glory

Refined sugar, n. fr-AWHS-ting

1. bribe,

2. nectar of life, 

3. root of all post-consumption misbehavior

Praise

The most profound compliment in the life of a child is how great an artist s/he is.

Birthday Cards

If a Kindergartner is making a birthday card for another individual the birthday card maker's name will appear more prominent than the receiver. It's all about artistic recognition.

Diversity

Diversity is who sits on the blue row and who sits on the red row.

Right, Left, or Both

My right hand and my teacher's right hand are not the same right hand when it comes to reciting the Pledge of Allegiance.

Distinguishing Details

Gender is relative."This is my Aunt. His name is Muffin."

Global Awareness

The biggest question of the life of a five-year-old: "Am I 'Star of the Day' today?"

Clothing: Optional

Staying dressed is like snatching a snake out of water--it takes a lot of skill and a lot of failed attempts.

Being a Good Friend

It is not being a good friend to hit the kid standing next to you in "the private."

Understanding Learning

This one was too priceless. "I don't like early out Wednesdays because we don't get to learn as much."

Space in Distance

Walking a half mile when you are five feels like ten miles, and it's impossible to keep the line from spreading to a city block.

Learning Curve on a Straight Line

Making random color patterns while staying inside the lines is harder than it looks.

Quality of Life

Naps always make everything better.

Matrimony & Procreation

I was told by a kindergartner, "You could still have kids. You have to get married. Just find a guy to ask you, then ask him if it's ok."